You, Me and A Lie

Instead I am the only lonely one.
Do you know who he really is, and you sure it's really him?

Jethro

It all goes back to March, all because of Trent lol. I still think Trent brought us together.

Alright, so I got really, really, really screwed up back then and I was not sure how to proceed further; even right now my mind is half clear. So I decided to give myself a break as I felt like I haven’t deserved anything for so long! I decided to leave to Australia for Trent.
I wanted to meet someone there and ended up no, partly because of my liberty and I need to sort out my life; ended up not lol. But we still talked via email. Even after I got back awhile, we still messaged to keep in touch. 
We talked a lot and that was really a lot about our past, our daily life, films and music and our pets too. Because there were care and love in the messages, that was why I thought we knew each other for so long even though they were short moments, with excessive messages every day. I used my feelings too much.
Then one day, I had thoughts to leave again to Taiwan, Hong Kong or Australia. I really love peaceful moments at these countries. I haven’t been to Taiwan as I have got no news from Claire yet. So I just thought why not I would just go back to Australia again since I love there very much and don’t want to return back to where I am again.
He offered me his place and told me he has got the bed sheets prepared for me which made me felt really very warmth and love. I have never experienced something like this in my life. And we finally met. He wanted me to have a good time there. And I stayed at his place. I did pay him back some money and we shared food money because I don't want him to feel like I am using him... That is not me...
So we ended up doing quite a number of things that I would never forget. I taught him painting, he cooked me shepherd’s pie, went to The Zig Zag, Swan Valley; to eat ice cream at Margaret River chocolate factory and The House of Honey to eat ice cream and bought honeys too lol, hang out at Perth City, Carousel, South Perth and ate at Sopranos.
But we didn’t see kangaroos or went to the zoo lol.
I even felt asleep on the couch and he covered blanket for me. I just felt so much care and love by someone whom I have known for so long even though I have met him for two days at the period of time. I just don’t want to go back anymore. 
So we still talked when I came back and I was lost because a couple of things happened that I did not wish to say and my last message pushed him away as I was really down last week and it is best not to trouble anyone. It is just about the entire thing I had screwed up back then…
But I know he really cared about me. I am not sure whether those moments were true since he is confused... Sigh.
Maybe we are not meant to be :( Maybe everything we have spent was not true... :(

That day I came back. He spread his flu to me and we both ended up sick. He went to the hospital and I was really worried and asked him if he needs me to go back to Aus and the second day he was fine and went out for lunch with a friend... Then at that point of time, I have forgotten he still have friends to care about him. But me, none. Lol. I am just silly. I just thought he had no friends. I am too worried for him and I even texted him.
Heinz once told me, what's yours is yours and if it's not yours, you should just leave it and not take it.

I miss you Jethro. 

"Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks, Gonna be that one and then once we get them, it's never the same, You want them when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change"
Sometimes people and their feelings changed, but my feelings will never change.

It makes me really sad when everything is not true... :( I don't know if those moments were true or not, but I really hope so... 

How I wish this life can be started all over again then I wouldn't screw all the things up. But this time round, I have made up my mind. Wednesday is the day! Erin, please don't let me down! X

Sometimes, in life, if we made one mistake or one bad decision, that's it. Gone.

Sigh I don't know anymore.

I do understand that life is transient and nothing last forever.

Funny thing is, whenever I got screwed up with some stuff, everything just seems to change…

Thoughts

I been listening to Ellie Goulding's new album for almost an hour, didn't interest me sadly. I thought of going to her concert next week. I prefer her first album.
So I been wasting a lot of time these few months, partly because my life is in a mess. I don't know how to solve them. I missed Perth, and really hope to stay there as long as possible with Jethro. He doesn't want to talk now. I don't know why. Maybe he's gone to the new island.
Heinz, are you married? 

Unconscious decision

Dubai wants me.

I am making a lifetime decision that is going to affect me in the next couple of months and towards the end of the year. No one knows what's going on actually. I wanted to tell Jethro, but I think he gave up. I pushed him away :( So I have no one to talk to now. No more morning love messages anymore. Heinz made me today. Because there was care, it created love. Because there was love, it created give. Maybe we shouldn't have meet. I think I better sort out my life before contacting him again. I don't know though, I guess it would be too late by then. I missed our moments at South Perth.

"That is ok you don't have to apologise because I am stupid. Maybe you just think I am like some girls out there but thank you for telling me the truth, i really appreciate that, thank you. just tell me if you want me to erase all the memories there since they were not true and common out there that people do, and i will never ask you again.so i dont know anymore, if the love now is real or not but it doesn't matter anymore. thank you for the love. and i mentioned i dont really have so much care so you don't have to care for me as well as i dont want it to be a hindrance to you. take good care. " 

Still remembered, I ever told Azmi once I was a slow learner.
It's June finally! Realised I have wasted almost of 1/2 year of 2014.
But hey, March was kind of happy. #TrentNIN

I asked Talan what if one day I don't teach him anymore. He said he would cry. He dreamt about me yesterday when it completely slipped through my mind that I have to teach him. So I went today.

I guess leaving is the only decision to cure my depression.
How do I get myself landed in all these situations?

Heart broken.

I enjoyed Perth very much that I don't want to go back. It's a new life there with Jethro.

Different time, different location, different place, different lifestyle, but same addicted, same age, same belief, same face, same faith, same skin, same upbringing, same teaching.
As the saying goes, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil." But I have been blinded by Evil.

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Thank you very much for giving me a new life that i have always wanted.
I felt your care when you covered the blanket for me on the couch on friday.

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I dont know if you are true to me. But usually my feelings is always right about someone and i felt your care.
At the same time, very confused about what you said on the first night. If those were true, our past conversations will be totally empty when we havent meet :( Sorry, I am sensitive sometimes.
I tried to ask but you said you dont know or talk about it later. Like i told you what happened when i was 16, you dont seem to want to listen when we were in the car on sat night. Maybe because my english is not good or speech problem as i didnt really speak to anyone for some time after the incident, just short sentences. So i hope u dont mind i typed here. All i want is just truth from your side.

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I always believe in life we have a choice, but come to think about it, maybe i really dont have a choice in life now too. 

I am really happy and felt care when we were at south perth and were able to talk so much :) and the place is so romantic which made me feel very love from you :)

I miss you and love you very much. I hope we will be together soon.

Take good care Jethro and i wish you a good night, and i wish you a wonderful day tomorrow 

I am always the stupid, the naive and the idiot one :(
Heinz, you will live in my heart forever.
Dubai, do you still want me?