Saying goodbye for the last time

After a few months, Creator did not make it happen.
It gave me something, it took back something, and finally It returned me back with something.
It's like, "Hey, I need this back." "But I need it so much at the moment." "Since you need it so badly, take it back."(you know it was a used trash, telling me blindly)
I have figured out that Creator will always want the best for me and I do appreciate that.

Dear Creator, thanks for being very kind and very nice to me.
Especially things did not work at Harbourfront, I have my CBD back. :)
Thank you so much.
I also figured out the relation I had was toxic, but I refused to wake up. But I will now, I do now. Thank you :)

So for the last time,
"In fact, I got an offer to harbourfront. Seems like I have an answer now to decline when it's processing :) Just thought we could be closer, unfortunately you don't feel the same as I do for you. Words that you said don't count for every seconds or moments, I am sure you dont truly mean what you said when we were together :) That is fine.

I think I will always be alone so I guess the only solution for me is to go back to the isolation mode; being reclused. That is for the best.

So I wish u all the best for your upcoming future. Take care and good luck :) "

I wish you well Vahan, as long as you happy and healthy, I will be glad for you...
I am tired of your games and your words. I never wanted anything from you, just your care.
At least, I know we have something in common: you know I wouldn't ignore you, vice versa.

Also, thanks Cindy for making this to happen! In the meantime, thanks for making this not to happen at the same time! :)

Exactly one year onwards:

We had buffet. Plenty of food at Tung Lok Restautant.

Patrick drove us up and it was like 11ish storey high!

Same place, same location, same people, same food, different people, different seats, different food, different taste.
It has been a year-ish!
Fayssal! I wondered how are you doing! I miss you so much! I just want you to be safe!

Heinz, I love you. I still love you. I love you a lot. You came in to my life as an angel of god. You made me today. If you never happened in my life, I wouldn't have become what I am today. I hope you read this, maybe the chance is slim, and we could get back soon. You always make the right decision even if it's for me...

I am back on track. 

Long, long walk...

I went to Pita & Olives again for lunch. Pretty funny when the owners recognised me and I got plenty of food! So full! They are always rushing because it was during the lunch hours and I saw the owner's mum got a burn mark on her forearm :( She even asked whether I enjoyed the food and of course I do...

Sabich which consists of grilled eggplants, hummus and tahini

I am a fan of eggplants and I really love the meal there, it is just delicious and healthy I must say. 

I haven't been going to Urban Bites since the first day of work. Tired of lamb for a while. I have been eating lots of veggies and fruits. After I have known Vahan, he was the one whom made me start to love fruits... Hey I haven't really eaten fruits for many years haha. 

The last time I went there, the moment I ate the lunch special, I had a nostalgic feeling: the staff never change, they still know I love their daily lunch special and they know I love onions and namoura..., the food tasted the same as well. But somehow, the yearning to eat at Urban Bites has long gone even though they have shifted and they even changed their plates, furnitures and interior designs too... Sometimes, things changed, people don't change. Sometimes, people changed, and things don't change...

Then I went to Royal Plaza on Scotts to see the F1 car which is made of pastas! The display will end on this Monday. It was made by a group of 18 chefs and culinary staff taking them 1130 hours to complete it!

Length: 4.4m

Width: 1.9m

Height: 1.3m 

Wheelbase: 2.9m

Type of pastas used: Penne, Large shells, Elbow pasta, vegeroni spirals, wholemeal spirals, large spirals, spinach fettuccine, wholemeal spaghetti and squid ink pasta! So many types of pastas from San Remo!

I took a photo this afternoon again. There are many ships and ferries passing by!

This is taken at the North Tower at Raffles Quay on my way back home. Work ended early today because of F1. And in order to avoid the massive traffic jams as well.

Took a photo of MBFC again. I always love to see these buildings where the glass reflects another building or marina bay sands and see the beautiful sky. I think it will lead me to Raffles MRT if I am not wrong. I don't remember anymore, in the past, Fayssal used to lead the way.

Given the time at 1600ish, it was very hot. And I was burning!

So given the free hours, I decided to walk outside of Marina Bay Sands for a while, from front to the end. I just want to experience the crowds as well as looking more things. I was really thinking about Fayssal and how happy I was back then... Heinz as well... I don't know the situation. I wondered a lot...

So I walked pass the restaurants, one by one, also wanting to see the arabic restaurant, and I saw a person whom I once met before. This person was sitting down alone, using his ipad or tablet, having a drink; Ice coffee I guessed, wearing a white t shirt and a short. I thought he was Vahan and I really thought he was. My mind started to wander around. I told myself not to go back and look for him, maybe he was waiting for someone, why didn't he contact me, why didn't he talk to me for weeks, why was he here, why didn't he work today, and a lot, a lot of questions start to come to me and my heart was in sudden pain... So I told myself not to think about anything anymore and the fact that I really missed him a lot and I just wanted to ask how he was doing that's all, so I turned back and went up to him; hoping he was still there. I went in and tapped onto his shoulder. To my surprised, it was not him; I believed. I saw the wrong person, but how could that happen? But this guy is fairer, more fairer than him. More meatier than him.

I put my faith in something unknown, ended up you gave me nothing. Those pure moments were gone. I guessed you are not coming back.

I thought I saw you today. Same face, same expression, same dressing. I went towards you and saw you turnaround looking at me, but it was not you. I said "Sorry, wrong person." and walked away, turned back again for the last look, you was still using your tablet. But you wasn't you but you resembled you.
The tablet holder you use is red, but you is red as well? You broke your Samsung Galaxy headset because of me but this person was listening from his headset. You don't drink caffeine but fruit juices. I don't see you wearing sports shoe but crocs slippers or cover shoes.
Your skinnier in fact, even though you have a little tummy because you tend to eat a lot when your here.
Your taller than you.
You will always look at me from the back and you never.

I missed you Vahan. I hope we can get back again someday...

Random thoughts again

A bit drunk. Normally I have screwdrivers with plenty of vodkas. Sometimes it's a 1/4 orange juice and and sometimes it's a 1/2.

I just had Sprite and vodka with a 1/2. Pretty drunk, pretty bad, pretty sober, pretty lethargic whilst typing.

I really don't know why I kept dreaming about Vahan. He doesn't even want or bother to contact me and yet I still think of him, our happy moments and even dreamt of him daily... I just want this friendship back... I don't even dare to text him because I was afraid of the answer.

And I don't even know where Heinz is and Fayssal. Heinz doesn't even care about me anymore I guess. Fayssal the same as well.

Even on the train, I saw people using iphones to watsapp their friends, logged onto Facebook to chat with their friends, and I am just listening to music and thinking. I guess I am going to be alone forever...

I haven't find myself yet... Reasons why I have been out lately to all these attractions were because I want to find myself. I even prayed to ask for signals and doing some soul searching. Sometimes even doing the same routine, over and over again. Hoping things will change and be back the same. Not sure whether will it happen again...

My teacher has always wanted me to be contented, grateful and thankful for what I have. Heinz taught me these life experiences as well.

I have been listening to Mad Season, too much of them that I forgotten about Nine Inch Nails. To be honest, Trent launched his new album and I was pretty excited. As soon as I listened to his new full album, I really don't know what he was singing about. It was like getting bad-er :( I don't know, maybe I will listen to him someday again. He has changed... But I have not...

Trying to run away again. I don't know whether I should or not.. Haven't made up my mind yet...

My One Month Journey with a Special person

So after I left Newton, I went to Harbourfront to look for Vahan. Also, it was our last meeting I believed... I don't know really.

We went to Keppel Bay Vista just to enjoy the scenery...

That night was really beautiful. Also, it was about to rain and I twisted my ankle and it was hell lot of pain. But nothing beats the one that you love and care was finally leaving soon. I really felt his care towards me even though I knew what he was looking for. He never left me. I thought of spending the night with him but it rained heavily. He watched me went up to the cab and I waved at him. Heavy rain and he cycled back home without an umbrella. I asked whether he would go tomorrow, he told me he was still considering. I didn't ask again, I believe he would... I don't know how to deal with it as well. I wouldn't want him to leave me but I cannot be selfish. I asked if we would be able to meet again and he told me it wouldn't be possible to meet two persons at the same time but we could as good times old friend... So here it goes:

Dear Vahan

I understand that we won't be able to continue this anymore. It also hurts me a lot. Truth that I found out, bothers me a lot. When I wanted to change it, it did not allow and you changed it more quicker than me. Just like Fayssal.
I wish you all the best with the new girl. I wish you all the best in what your looking for.
I will always remember all the happy moments we once shared together.
Our trip to Sentosa, Resort Worlds, Esplanade,Vivocity, seeing animals, eating mooncakes together, attending music concerts together at the Botanic Gardens and NUS to see beautiful Gulnara Mashurova, Tioman Island, Keppel Bay...
Thank you for all these while. Thank you for spending your time with me whilst the time I did not go to Dubai- which I made the wrong decision and met you... Thank you for all the laughters and jokes, the places that I have never been to, things that you taught me and wanted me to be independent... Thank you for the care and share you have once given to me. Thank you for this whole month. It was priceless. I really love days like these and wished it will never stop forever. But as the saying goes, nothing last forever...
I will never forget that. I love you always and you know that.

Maybe your right, I should have listened to you in the first place ever since you sent me that message. Natively, I believed you would change, I believe your not like this.
Talking about change, your right. A person changes when he or she is not satisfied. I understand that your not satisfied with this present.

I have to let you go. I cannot be selfish. I kept looking at my phone, natively thinking you would still care.
You told me the moment we met, you started to care about me, I felt that, but not after the second day in Tioman, because I never give in to what you wanted...

I cherished this friendship a lot... I hope we would still be able to get back someday...

You looked me in the eye. I looked in to your eye. But this wasn't the happiness I was yearning for. I even asked if your Fayssal.

As much as I love you wholeheartedly, as much as I care very much about you wholeheartedly, you found someone and you no longer need me. 
I love you always Vahan. You will always be a very special person in my heart...

Long Gone Day

Dear Creator, tell me what I am supposed to do? Two months down the road. My dream has been bashed. -Dubai  I have long lost my confidence and courage. It has been banished to half. The burning torch inside me has starting to extinguish.
I am left with Vahan.

When we met for the second time, I asked him for monetary. I didn't mean it seriously when I asked for it. Because I will never ask anyone for monetary. I always listen to what Heinz has taught me. I questioned him and asked him whether I should go, he said he wouldn't want me to. I was in denial. I wanted to keep this friendship very much.

After our trip back from Tioman, he said we shouldn't be meeting each other too often. I am causing harm to him. The texts that he sent to me have changed as well...

I hugged him, telling him not to leave me. He said at some point in life, he has to. As the saying goes, nothing last forever... :(

I have been deadly depressed ever after since I started this new job. Late hours. Excessive of vodkas. Heavy work loads.

Alice in Chains, Mad Season... Layne is my drug.


Life and the world suck, everyone has their struggles, issues, demons, voices. It's easy to talk crap when your not standing in there.

Paya Beach Tioman Island

Last weekend, me and Vahan went to Paya Beach at Tioman Island.

I was very happy and was really looking forward to that. I woke up at 5-ish am, got my stuff done and waited for his call!
Being impatient, I called him. The funny thing was, he did not want to bring his phone and that would be terrible for me because how could one meet without contact?! Ended up, I didn't bring my phone as well and we met at Bugis MRT Station; to be exact, I waited for him at the platform of the MRT once I stepped out of it. We agreed to meet at 7am sharp there, I was waiting for the bus and the train hurrying, and I reached at the MRT at 0705am, he was not there. I waited and waited for like ten minutes and I turnaround, saw him running towards me. I was glad he came. I thought he was not going to come.

Next, we went to the Queen Street Bus Terminal to take a bus which was SGD$2.40 to Johor and took the Maju Express from there at 9am to Mersing. I guessed it costs about RM11.40?!
The bus journey was long to Mersing. Daphne proposed us to take the air plane, but come to think about it, it was not worth as we were only going there for 2 days 1 night. Upon alighting, we went to Island Connection Travel & Tours to book the ferry to Tioman!

The ferry stopped at Genting Village before heading to Paya Beach/ Paya Village 

Clear blue-aqua marine water 

Beautiful waves 

Going to check in to our resort. I thought he already booked online that we would be staying at Paya Beach Resort and he told me he didn't in the end because the last time he was there with his family, they didn't get a good room and he thought he could ask them for a better one. I really wanted to kill him because he didn't tell me beforehand and the receptionists told us all rooms were full because it was the weekend. 

She then proposed us to go to the next one at the back. The rooms weren't very nice and they were pretty old :( We have got no choice to stay there... I really don't feel like elaborating it and was a bit mad when he didn't book and told me!!!

Later, we went for a swim there and I went for snorkelling as well. I have never tried snorkelling before and he was the one who taught me, asked me to try and experience it.

I saw many marine fishes, sea urchins and (ouchs) I stepped onto many corals and it hurt very bad...

After that, we went back to the room for a quick shower as it was raining drizzlingly for awhile then we went for dinner. 

Sunset 

Carrot juice from the BBQ restaurant 

Then we went for a night walk, I also bought some turtles for my cousins' children and for Sixtine as well, ate ice cream and nuts. He wanted to go back to the sea to swim again and it was really very dark that I could hardly see anything. He insisted me going because it was his desire to swim at the night and I really don't want to go. On his way, he said I could sit down at the restaurant and talked to the receptionist and waited for him or go back to the room and waited for him. I just don't want him to leave me... I was very disappointed and still considering whether we would be able to hang out again together... 

In the end, he didn't go and I was very glad that he didn't leave me... Otherwise, I would be very scared...

It was a very tiring day and the next day, we couldn't wake ourselves up! I saw his watch was 8am and my body was very tired and we slept again till 0930am. 

As we would be checking out 13h00, after his good bargain with the owner for letting us to stay there for a night instead of paying for the price of two nights which was a minimum, I hurried changed my swimwear and we went back to the sea again. 

It just felt very good, calm and peaceful that I forgotten about everything and that I do not want to head back to Singapore ever again! Lol. 

Snorkelling and I was having sun burn on my face. It was already like 1030am I supposed.

He asked me to go back by myself again and the tides were rising... He told me the way and I was a bit disappointed... When I turned back, he was swimming behind me. He never left me..  

Mangrove 

On the way back to the resort. 

Beautiful sky with green trees. 

Bye bye Paya Village! 

Later we took the ferry to Tanjung Gemok. It was really a nightmare just like what Daphne and Tanguy mentioned! 2ish hours!!! After that, we took the transport bus back to Singapore and that was 3ish hours again! I fainted... Motion sickness is not able to avoid for me.. The next time, if I were to go to Tioman Island again, I would definitely take the plane and not ferry anymore. 

Me and Vahan :) 

The photo is blurred because my camera is not a good one and it was very dark in the night! I love him a lot. He took care of me during our entire journey there, yet, I feared he would leave me...

I am not sure when we would be meeting again. Since the first time we met, we have been seeing each other often, but this weekend, he will be going for a barbeque and we would not meeting today and even tomorrow. He said he would let me know again...
The fact that we have been arguing lately as well... I do not want this to happen but some things can't be avoided... He also knew some stuff about me...
I don't know really. No time to think of it I guess. Too busy with work after I have got back.
I told him about Fayssal and how we first met at Marina Bay Sands etc. He asked me to be positive and I really appreciate that. 

A night at Sentosa Boardwalk

Second day of work.
I love the people there. At least, they are better people. I love them, I love the working environment. Lively, busy is what I am looking for. I will miss them very soon.

I went out with Vahan to the Boardwalk at Sentosa yesterday. He didn't bring the access pass and we didn't go in. Normally we would.
We sit at one of the benches around and he painted henna for me. :)) Many passerbys were looking as well lol.

Vahan drawing the henna for me. 

The Promenade at Sentosa 

What do you see in this piece of hand art? :)

I see two rings, many leaves, two birds, an eye and a girl :))

We argued again unfortunately. :(
I never wanted to. He wasn't like this when I met him for the first few times... Maybe he has truly realised what I was looking for was just truly friendship and nothing else.
When we argued for the first time and even yesterday, I thought about H... I wondered when we could be back together...
It was all about the paying of our food.
Why must we split the amount of bill? Why couldn't he pay, vice versa? I never like the idea of bill sharing. I never do this when I was with Fayssal as well.
Vahan is very special to me. After all these years of living, I barely have any friends. I just want us to be happy...
He was drunk the other night when he drank too much rum. The words he said to me, his expressions, his gesture and everything, reminded me of Fayssal. Even every time we walk passed Sentosa/ Marina Bay Sands/ Esplanade, I will always remember the long walk I once shared with Fayssal. Sometimes when he looked into my eyes, I wanted ask if he is Fayssal or Heinz...
I really hoped we don't argue again.
We are going to Tioman Island tomorrow and I hope all will be good! I just want us to be happy whenever we are together...