Self Imposed Exile

Why is it so difficult to be with the person I most wanted to be with, yet the person I most wanted to be with, is the person farthest away.

Heinz made me. Fayssal changed me.
Sometime when you shared something important with someone, it is always difficult to let go and forget especially when you have no news at all.

Why is it that I worked really hard for that something, Creator has to take it away?

Why take away someone's brightful future and now all she sees is just a piece of darkness which lies ahead.
Sometimes when you made the wrong decision, you will regret it for life.

It makes me sad when everything is not real or true at all after August. I have nothing.

Thoughts

I been listening to Ellie Goulding's new album for almost an hour, didn't interest me sadly. I thought of going to her concert next week. I prefer her first album.
So I been wasting a lot of time these few months, partly because my life is in a mess. I don't know how to solve them. I missed Perth, and really hope to stay there as long as possible with Jethro. He doesn't want to talk now. I don't know why. Maybe he's gone to the new island.
Heinz, are you married? 

Unconscious decision

Dubai wants me.

I am making a lifetime decision that is going to affect me in the next couple of months and towards the end of the year. No one knows what's going on actually. I wanted to tell Jethro, but I think he gave up. I pushed him away :( So I have no one to talk to now. No more morning love messages anymore. Heinz made me today. Because there was care, it created love. Because there was love, it created give. Maybe we shouldn't have meet. I think I better sort out my life before contacting him again. I don't know though, I guess it would be too late by then. I missed our moments at South Perth.

"That is ok you don't have to apologise because I am stupid. Maybe you just think I am like some girls out there but thank you for telling me the truth, i really appreciate that, thank you. just tell me if you want me to erase all the memories there since they were not true and common out there that people do, and i will never ask you again.so i dont know anymore, if the love now is real or not but it doesn't matter anymore. thank you for the love. and i mentioned i dont really have so much care so you don't have to care for me as well as i dont want it to be a hindrance to you. take good care. " 

Still remembered, I ever told Azmi once I was a slow learner.
It's June finally! Realised I have wasted almost of 1/2 year of 2014.
But hey, March was kind of happy. #TrentNIN

I asked Talan what if one day I don't teach him anymore. He said he would cry. He dreamt about me yesterday when it completely slipped through my mind that I have to teach him. So I went today.

I guess leaving is the only decision to cure my depression.
How do I get myself landed in all these situations?

Heart broken.

I enjoyed Perth very much that I don't want to go back. It's a new life there with Jethro.

Different time, different location, different place, different lifestyle, but same addicted, same age, same belief, same face, same faith, same skin, same upbringing, same teaching.
As the saying goes, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil." But I have been blinded by Evil.

<...>

Thank you very much for giving me a new life that i have always wanted.
I felt your care when you covered the blanket for me on the couch on friday.

<...>

I dont know if you are true to me. But usually my feelings is always right about someone and i felt your care.
At the same time, very confused about what you said on the first night. If those were true, our past conversations will be totally empty when we havent meet :( Sorry, I am sensitive sometimes.
I tried to ask but you said you dont know or talk about it later. Like i told you what happened when i was 16, you dont seem to want to listen when we were in the car on sat night. Maybe because my english is not good or speech problem as i didnt really speak to anyone for some time after the incident, just short sentences. So i hope u dont mind i typed here. All i want is just truth from your side.

<...>
I always believe in life we have a choice, but come to think about it, maybe i really dont have a choice in life now too. 

I am really happy and felt care when we were at south perth and were able to talk so much :) and the place is so romantic which made me feel very love from you :)

I miss you and love you very much. I hope we will be together soon.

Take good care Jethro and i wish you a good night, and i wish you a wonderful day tomorrow 

I am always the stupid, the naive and the idiot one :(
Heinz, you will live in my heart forever.
Dubai, do you still want me? 

Happy Birthday Heinz! :)

Hello Heinz

How are you? I hope you are well!:) 

Here's wishing you a very happy birthday to the most important person of my life! :) 

It's been so long, you are 26 now and age hasn't spoil you :) I hope this day is the beginning of a great year for you.  

I finished school and will no longer be there anymore :) I will go to Australia alone next week for a short break on my birthday:)

I always wonder if you can come one day or maybe this year, or I can go to SA to look for you. 

I miss you so much and always hope we can talk like we used to.

Take good care Heinz and have a wonderful birthday with whomever you are with :) 

Soen

Joanna

Another day, another time, another place, the sun may shine on both of us.

Mailed last week! Just arrived back to Singapore from Australia. 

Thoughts

I will miss the Year 1 Classmates; whom have been so kind and humane towards me.
I will never forget Jagdesh and also, Mr Azmi, the most, because partly he is arabic hahaha.

I have never find someone who is so kind, humane, and caring towards me, besides him and Jagdesh...

So I left early today without taking photo with Mr Azmi, partly because I do not want to have any memories of him even though I told him to keep in touch, I do not want to have the feelings of being sentimental.

Marius thought I wanted to go to SA, I have asked him details already, but it has not been decided yet.
To be honest, the reason of going SA is always because I want to see and play with animals. The second thing is Heinz. I never forget what he has told me even though it has been two years or even going three years already; that he would bring me to Sun City and see animals...

So I don't know what will lie ahead for me in the next coming month, only time will tell like Heinz always said.
I contacted Michelle, we are still very good friends and sisters. She wants me to go to Chicago...
I still remembered Heinz said he will be ready by 2014...
"Yes I love him very much and I still do Michelle... I want to go to South Africa because I want to see him(that is one main reason), the other thing is, I want to see animals :))))) and enjoy some time there:)))) 

Michelle, do you know I met him in 2011 and he told me he should be ready to come by 2014 then he just went with a girl when we were together for almost a year :(((( and the fact that I was having real deep depression and he cannot handle it, I think you should know when I wrote you the last letter and I heard no news from you then, I just want to know if he is well or not that's all. I don't expect him to be with me because I believe he may still be with the girl...but I just want to know if he is doing fine or not. :/ 

He was my true love Michelle... When I told you about this, I also feel like crying :/  "

Ok, enough about Heinz...
So Alice in Chains will be here next month. I have yet to find someone to go to the Singapore Rock Festival for Day 2. Since it's a complimentary 1 for 1... Nightmare...
I just purchased with another person who is going for Day 1 which features Korn and Rob Zombie, not interested with the other two more though haha, so we have a split of amount.

But Alice in Chains!! I really want to see Jerry, even though Layne's no longer there anymore... He will always live in my heart...

Long Gone Day

Dear Creator, tell me what I am supposed to do? Two months down the road. My dream has been bashed. -Dubai  I have long lost my confidence and courage. It has been banished to half. The burning torch inside me has starting to extinguish.
I am left with Vahan.

When we met for the second time, I asked him for monetary. I didn't mean it seriously when I asked for it. Because I will never ask anyone for monetary. I always listen to what Heinz has taught me. I questioned him and asked him whether I should go, he said he wouldn't want me to. I was in denial. I wanted to keep this friendship very much.

After our trip back from Tioman, he said we shouldn't be meeting each other too often. I am causing harm to him. The texts that he sent to me have changed as well...

I hugged him, telling him not to leave me. He said at some point in life, he has to. As the saying goes, nothing last forever... :(

I have been deadly depressed ever after since I started this new job. Late hours. Excessive of vodkas. Heavy work loads.

Alice in Chains, Mad Season... Layne is my drug.


Life and the world suck, everyone has their struggles, issues, demons, voices. It's easy to talk crap when your not standing in there.

Thoughts

Lost, super lost.

H, tell me what I am supposed to do. 

F, the last day we met, have you already resigned? You misplaced your phone in the hotel, was it a lie? Did you actually give it back to the office? 

If that was not the end from your side, how long do I have to wait? Am I waiting for you or am I waiting for H? And you said I was your girl? 

I thought we could discuss in details when you told me your there, but I didn't hear any news from you after that. I tried to email you, and an email from your contact. I still got no news.

Were all these months that we had spent meeting together all lies? 

I am leaving next month. Not sure where I am going. Not sure where life will lead me.

In late March, I thought I would be heading to SME. I was asking the Creator, did it really want me to go there? After all, I took the lead and head to MNC. All I got in return for those five months were stressed, tired, and dread. But I always believe in life, we have a choice.

After all, it wasn't what I was looking for and what I wanted. But still, I got into this MNC which I am still working there now. 

I love all the fun activities that are organised by the committee members.

However at the same time, I have met and experienced many types of faces. 

There are kinds, friendlies, helpful, fakes, two-faced. Be it online or offline. They are the same.  

My life and my mind started to change quite a lot ever since I entered the world of MNC.  

Whether I regret it or not?

The answer is definitely No. It's part of my future. 

I always see people with their friends or partners happily together. 

I wondered when could I ever experience all these(again)... That's my definition of happiness- being together happily in a relationship with someone you love, the person you most want to be with...

I was at Urban Bites last Monday. Saw a guy that looked similar F again. The other time at Tanjong Beach with Sasha, I saw another guy, I was thinking were they the same person, that looked similar to F.
He was with a lady talking about some projects that they have been working on, guessed she was from Taiwan. This man...I am guessing he was from The States. He asked her about her weekend, and how did she find the food there etc.
Don't know why. I just missed F. The words that this man has said to her, his skin, his body, not exactly his voice,  but it's a feeling. Je ne sais quoi. 
I wondered how is he doing...

Noticed it's the FIFA World Cup in Brazil now. Remembered how I have known H after the FIFA World Cup in SA ended...

I am trapped in these two persons' dogma... H the most... 

Still hoping for you to come back

As soon as I started this job, thought all was going well for me but no... Just really sicked and tired of everything. Teaching as well. No life. Work everyday. Monday to Sunday.

So upset, so confused, so lost. Don't know what is happening. I have no one to talk to. F is gone, H is not coming back I guessed... I really don't know what to do...

I don't know why Daniel emailed me a few days ago and I though he has forgotten me and no longer care anymore... Internally, he has helped me so much and I really appreciate that. Because of him, reminded so much of myself how much I have helped F...

Almost two years.. Maybe I should have wake up... I don't know..

Everyone's seem so fake...Shallow... Judgmental...

I just can't wait till Friday for River Safari. Company's offside event. I love animals of course! Heinz knows that! :)

H I really hope we can be together soon... 虽然在一起的时间段站，但我一直都很珍惜我们之间的一切。。。

I can't reach you

I really miss you Heinz. I don't know whether if your coming back...

Feeling is like, your the Sun and I am the Moon where we could not reach each other...

Give me a signal would you?

I am really lost without you...

Missing someone...

It's a funny thing whenever I see someone is in a relationship and I will forever think about the both of us.

A lady embracing his man of her life in Hong Kong

Went for a meeting yesterday for some design work.
Met the boss and a female staff. I thought they were brother and sister. Turned up,the lady told me she is her boyfriend! Always smiling and envy about others.
I always wish all the couples would last forever so that no one will get hurt from each relationship!!! And that girl must be a very nice and a caring girl, and that is why the boyfriend likes about her. :)

我希望这个世界都充满许多的爱！(I wished the world is filled with lots of love!)

Maybe I didn't really understand you very well back then, why not give us a chance to do all over again? We can finally meet now, I don't mind going to Pretoria.

I always listen to Olly and some others whenever I think of you.

好想念一个人

在网上,看到一些陌人的照片，突然间想起我和他在一起的时候。需然在一起的时间短站，但，我还是无法忘掉我们之间的一切...

不知是吃醋或羡慕。

羡慕吧。
不知我们两人什么时候真的才能在一起。

我们还能够在一起吗？

我们还能够相约吗?

几时?

什么时候？

在哪？

我不想在哭了...

Happy Birthday Heinz!

Just really busy and tired for the past few weeks and since work started- no break!

Yesterday was our agency training and glad it went well! I got really nervous when I was presenting myself to the directors as it was a ten-minute presentation. Fast-paced!

Almost got killed Wednesday at CBD... Never gonna take that risk again...

Actually sent these out to H last week at the airport. I hope he has received by now!

Words that I shared with H has been blurred. Secret! 

A year older, me too. Wondering if there will be any chance we would be together someday soon?
I wondered what he is doing for his birthday, of course, I do know that someone special will be celebrating with him. :)

It's too far away between me and him to celebrate together. Different location, different hours. Even when I am blogging this, it's already 19 May 2013, over his side, 6 more hours to midnight. Always remember his favourite colour is Green.

Happy birthday Heinz! I wish all is well by your side! 

A year older! A year smarter! A year wiser! 

I hope you are taking care of your health! 

Much love

Joanna