Unconscious decision

Dubai wants me.

I am making a lifetime decision that is going to affect me in the next couple of months and towards the end of the year. No one knows what's going on actually. I wanted to tell Jethro, but I think he gave up. I pushed him away :( So I have no one to talk to now. No more morning love messages anymore. Heinz made me today. Because there was care, it created love. Because there was love, it created give. Maybe we shouldn't have meet. I think I better sort out my life before contacting him again. I don't know though, I guess it would be too late by then. I missed our moments at South Perth.

"That is ok you don't have to apologise because I am stupid. Maybe you just think I am like some girls out there but thank you for telling me the truth, i really appreciate that, thank you. just tell me if you want me to erase all the memories there since they were not true and common out there that people do, and i will never ask you again.so i dont know anymore, if the love now is real or not but it doesn't matter anymore. thank you for the love. and i mentioned i dont really have so much care so you don't have to care for me as well as i dont want it to be a hindrance to you. take good care. " 

Still remembered, I ever told Azmi once I was a slow learner.
It's June finally! Realised I have wasted almost of 1/2 year of 2014.
But hey, March was kind of happy. #TrentNIN

I asked Talan what if one day I don't teach him anymore. He said he would cry. He dreamt about me yesterday when it completely slipped through my mind that I have to teach him. So I went today.

I guess leaving is the only decision to cure my depression.
How do I get myself landed in all these situations?

Heart broken.

I enjoyed Perth very much that I don't want to go back. It's a new life there with Jethro.

Different time, different location, different place, different lifestyle, but same addicted, same age, same belief, same face, same faith, same skin, same upbringing, same teaching.
As the saying goes, "See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil." But I have been blinded by Evil.

<...>

Thank you very much for giving me a new life that i have always wanted.
I felt your care when you covered the blanket for me on the couch on friday.

<...>

I dont know if you are true to me. But usually my feelings is always right about someone and i felt your care.
At the same time, very confused about what you said on the first night. If those were true, our past conversations will be totally empty when we havent meet :( Sorry, I am sensitive sometimes.
I tried to ask but you said you dont know or talk about it later. Like i told you what happened when i was 16, you dont seem to want to listen when we were in the car on sat night. Maybe because my english is not good or speech problem as i didnt really speak to anyone for some time after the incident, just short sentences. So i hope u dont mind i typed here. All i want is just truth from your side.

<...>
I always believe in life we have a choice, but come to think about it, maybe i really dont have a choice in life now too. 

I am really happy and felt care when we were at south perth and were able to talk so much :) and the place is so romantic which made me feel very love from you :)

I miss you and love you very much. I hope we will be together soon.

Take good care Jethro and i wish you a good night, and i wish you a wonderful day tomorrow 

I am always the stupid, the naive and the idiot one :(
Heinz, you will live in my heart forever.
Dubai, do you still want me? 

Long gone happiness

I was out with Lev yesterday. He was saying, it doesn't make any sense when we just chat and couldn't meet. He has a point. 

So we met at City Hall and went to Marina Bay Sands whilst walking again! Nightmare and so stubborn.. Lol. 

I was pretty upset yesterday.. But ah well, glad we met. 

We were at the Padang and saw a little small crocodile swimming there. It was just so cute! 

I took this at 19ish! :)

Just chatting and not much, I am too boring for him. He is very different from Vahan. Of course, everyone is different. In fact, I was thinking about my happy moments with Fayssal. :)

I wondered a lot about Fayssal that I dreamt of him! It was a long conversation between me and Fayssal in the dream, that he was finally back again and we met again :) 

Really very happy moments... Maybe because I went to the place where us used to walk..

The problem I realised is, no matter what kind of persons I met, they will never be the same like Fayssal... because everyone is different :( 

To be honest, I am still not over it- Dubai. I told Sasha as well but ah well yeah... I even told her about the second reason going to Dubai is because of Fayssal. I meant come on, since you would be there, might as well take the opportunity to find him as well! Just want to know he is safe and that's all and nothing else!!! 

I really thought about Fayssal. And listening to Justin Timberlake- Mirrors. 

"If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find 

Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side"

I just can't wait till my trip to Vietnam! Oh yes, Fayssal would be shocked to know if I would be travelling again! That just what I always do! :)
I told Thong and I really thought he booked a hotel for me there and he was planning to fetch me because he would be working that day at HCM. What a coincidence and luckily he didn't book for me otherwise, why is my liberty?! 

Long Gone Day

Dear Creator, tell me what I am supposed to do? Two months down the road. My dream has been bashed. -Dubai  I have long lost my confidence and courage. It has been banished to half. The burning torch inside me has starting to extinguish.
I am left with Vahan.

When we met for the second time, I asked him for monetary. I didn't mean it seriously when I asked for it. Because I will never ask anyone for monetary. I always listen to what Heinz has taught me. I questioned him and asked him whether I should go, he said he wouldn't want me to. I was in denial. I wanted to keep this friendship very much.

After our trip back from Tioman, he said we shouldn't be meeting each other too often. I am causing harm to him. The texts that he sent to me have changed as well...

I hugged him, telling him not to leave me. He said at some point in life, he has to. As the saying goes, nothing last forever... :(

I have been deadly depressed ever after since I started this new job. Late hours. Excessive of vodkas. Heavy work loads.

Alice in Chains, Mad Season... Layne is my drug.


Life and the world suck, everyone has their struggles, issues, demons, voices. It's easy to talk crap when your not standing in there.

Sentosa with Juvi

I went to Palawan beach at Sentosa with Juvi today. Long journey!

Juvi eating his meal.

I held because he saw one of his furry friends!

I love Juvi, he means everything to me! :)

Flying ears!

I just need a break from everything here... Zed called, must be Elcel or Robert. I have sent them an email, as well as Esra. They must be very disappointed, as much as I am...

An acquaintance from Canada told me, "why postpone it if u worked so hard for it this time ?" 
Do you really think I wanted to? As much as they wanted me, and as much as I wanted...
I wanted to cry when I sent them those emails... 

My future's ain't so bright anymore...

They called a couple of times, they really want me...

Dubai and Paris

Negative news from Franck. Hell was trying not to get involved.
Heinz, if you don't come back, I really don't know what to do...

Dubai and Paris.

答复

终于收到他的答复了!!! 不知是高兴或惊讶。心感到好乱，又很烦恼...“他”或""他""到底会回来吗？

"Hi Joanna!

Also recognized after your previous message)))

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Would be nice to meet up again!
Let me know when suits you best!

Kind regards," 

我们到底还会在见面吗？

"Hi Konrad, I am fine with any time. Just let me know when and where, easy to get out. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Take care

Joanna "

他说的到底是不是实话？

在我脑海里，出现了好多问号，好多问题。我有好多东西都想要问他。
为什么我发了好几封电邮他都没有回复？
他为什么到新加坡?
为什么他了新加坡没和我联络？
他有意识要见我吗？
还记得当时和他在一起时，是在中秋节的期间，有说有笑，非常开心。

上天，请您告诉我，我们到底还能够在见面吗？
别在跟我玩了,可以吗？

回复

虽然没收到他的答复，但我还是傻傻的回复了他多一次。希望能够在收到他的回复多一次。
电邮里说了:
“Howzit, didn't know the world is so small that it took me sometime to figure out who you are and we did meet before.

Was really hoping and did hope we could meet again.

Nevertheless, just want to thank you for being so kind and helpful during those days.

Hope you are safe wherever your travelling to.

Always take care  ”

Hmmm... A very interesting person told me this:"Life is full of meetings and partings.. If you got lost searching for a place, what will you do??? Go round in circles or move ahead hoping you will find the place you're searching for?? Anyway, some things are just not meant for some people but do you pick yourself up when you fall down?? That's the biggest question you have to figure out yourself.. Hope my riddle is of help to you.." 

Leads me back to H and F.

Dilemma...